Katherine

A towering victory...

2001-01-28T03:13:18Z

I come bearing good news. I auditioned for a part in our community college play on Tuesday of this week. The audition went extremely well. For one thing, I wasn't even a smidge nervous. I'm acquiring a self-confidence that still surprises me sometimes. That self-confidence was present on Tuesday night. All the readings went well, I had very good 'chemistry' (a better word escapes me at the moment) with the male actors present, and I was allowed to dance. I've mentioned before that I have a very strong connection with the musical realm. At one point in the audition, a piece of music was played and I was instructed to just...dance...and let the music take me where ever it would. (sigh) Such a perfect moment for me. So, while others remained shy and unable to find the boldness to dance...I found it. Not only did I find it, but I got a little carried away. (blush) I took off around the stage, swaying to the mild folk music resonating in my ears. I closed my eyes and just danced. When the song was over, I knew that not only did I just have a great time, but one that I would never regret...regardless if I made the play or not. Anyhow, I was chosen for call backs the following day.
The second audition was much like the first, but a little more in depth readings and more personal interaction. This went even better than the first day. To make a very long winded story a shorter one, I found out on Thursday afternoon at noon that I was cast in a role for the production of "A Doll's House". I had initially hoped to get the role of Nora Helmer. She is so much like myself that it's frightening. But, realistically, I tried out for the secondary part of Mrs. Linde. Much to my delight, I was cast as Nora Helmer. Being the lead role, Nora is in every scene but two or three...which means that I'll be memorizing lines from now up until the day of production. I'm not complaining, though. This is very much what I was born to do. I will be in my element there on stage. Even now, the excitement of the lights and electricity of the audience is making me anxious for opening night.
There is one other part of this play that I must mention. I do have a problem to sort out or resolve. In the play, I have a husband that will have to...well...kiss me and have passionate embraces with. ARG. To any other, this wouldn't be a problem, especially with a handsome co-star. My trouble lies /not/ wanting to kiss him. I've never technically kissed a man yet. Wasting it on a ficticious stage kiss is not how I envisioned it happening. I'm going to have a talk with the director to see if something can be arranged. I know that I sound like a terrible prude...most of my friends have told me that I'm over reacting and should just do the stupid kiss. My heart tells me differently. This is very important to me and I feel torn as to which part of my anatomy I should listen to...my brain who's being convinced that this isn't that big a deal....or my heart that is yelling at me to not give that special part of me away to a stranger. If anyone has /any/ advise, comments, or something to help me through this dilema...PLEASE...send it my way. Until then, I'll be lost in these battles within myself.
After I found out the good news regarding the play, I attended my monthly concert. This month, a man preformed on the saxophone accompanied by a brilliant Japenese pianist. It was two hours of heaven. He wasn't just a classical musician, but played more recent compositions that had heavy jazz and rock influences. The time just flew by and I had to leave much sooner than I would have liked. An afternoon well spent.
I have three tests this next week. My first being in psychology. This shouldn't be /to/ much trouble, providing that I put in the adequate amount of study time. I'll be spending much of tomorrow at the library doing just that. I have an absurd amount of information to memorize, mainly all the parts of the brain and their functions. Now, deemed by a personality test as being a 'linguist', I am not particularly science minded. I had all the sciences in high school...chemistry, physics, biology...and I did well in them. I can excel in them...just not enjoy doing it. I'm the same way with mathematics. I went all the way to calculus...did exceptionally well...but really don't have a passion for it. So, to memorize and plug through all the scientific data, I have to convert the information to way that make sense to me. Doing that requires that I put much of the material to music, spatial analogies, etc. In essence, it takes me twice/three times as long as a science major to sift through the material. Ahh well...the means are justified by the ends, correct? I hope so.
Other than that, I'm rather lonely. I haven't talked to my friends as much as I would have liked this week. It just reminds me of how alone I've been this past semester, and the loneliness that is ahead for this one. That sounds rather pitiful, seeing as I'm surrounded my great people all day long that...entertain me and offer mildly interesting conversation. I'm just craving that intimacy that only comes with sincere, genuine friends with no motivations. No motivations...that's an odd phrase to use considering that we /all/ have motivations. What I meant was that when you are talking to someone that just really /cares/ about you, wants the best in themselves to shine in you, and gives and takes in equal measure....well...you just can't find anything in this world more satisfying. It satiates some hole that is needing to be filled down inside me. Right now, it seems to be running low and is in dire need to be replenished. Soon, perhaps.
I believe that I will be off to bed now. Until next time.

A time to reflect...

2001-01-21T21:20:26Z

Sleep did not come easily last night. Come to think of it, I'm not really sure it even came at all. Today is better than the last. Time doesn't /heal/ wounds...but it does make them fade a bit.
I talked to my employer about quitting today. I am auditioning for a part in a play called, "A Doll's House", and I had to prioritize my schedule. Although the responsible thing would have been to stay with the job, I have this desire in me to be apart of the theatre, in any way that I can. It's addictive. The other productions that I have been in have planted a seed in me. Theatre of any kind consumes me. Whether I am watching it, acting in it, or just helping out backstage...I am thoroughly captivated by all that it represents. Wish me luck. Auditions are Tuesday.
I also went to Barnes & Noble today. If anything can /completely/ dominate and occupy my mind...that would be it. I stayed there for hours and just read...browsed...and was very content. Being content is such an unreachable state of mind sometimes. I find it mostly when I'm reading, writing, singing, or playing my instruments. Music is the fastest way to shoving me into 'Never Never' land. Rachmaninoff, the soundtrack to 'Somewhere in Time', or Miles Davis have an odd effect on me. Such tranquility...a freeing of a spirit that is sometimes kept too tightly bound. Or in 'Corrina, Corrina,' where Whoopi says, "It's like holding up a beautiful crystal in front of a warm light." The scattering colors of lights are what it feels like for me to listen to music. But anyhow...
I have now put myself in the mood to listen to section of my music collection. I shall go and do just that, while straightening my bedroom. I have an urge to rearrange it tonight. I have the perfect spot picked out for my armour and vanity. (Sometimes being anal retentive and such a perfectionist is a curse. I tidy my room too often.)
Oh, and I often complain about my hair. Not that I don't like it, just that it is a very plain type. I really enjoyed my hair today. It was especially soft and shiny...and smelled like lavender. As much as I do feel self conscious about my self, sometimes I get to look in a mirror and see a part of me that is beautiful. Moments like those are infrequent, so that is why I record it here and now, for memories sake. hehehe

A reality slap...

2001-01-12T05:03:07Z

I was able to spend one last night with my best friend before she goes back to college in New York. We rented a movie and had cuddle time/girl talk afterwards. After is the operative word here. The movie sparked a very tense chord in me. It was a generically sad, tearful ending...one that would have made me cry on any occasion. Not a problem. I'm used to dealing with those reactions...I'm female for crying out loud. The actual problem that presented itself was my inability to /stop/ crying. My friend tried to console me for nearly an hour as I wept openly. Once under control, with eyes beyond red and swollen, I tried to take an introspective look at what made me carry on the way I had. The answer that I found was not as simple as the one I had been looking for. It boiled down to this:

*Surface reason: my best friend is leaving for college in a couple days. We're close, she offers me a wealth of love, balances out my emotional/impetuous side with her logic, and we laugh uncontrollably in each other's company. Having that taken away is hard...especially when there is no one around for the next semester to replace her with. The nearest I have is Peter all the way across the country...who I often question is even real. hahaha. Poor Peter. I do give him a lot to deal with...and he's still hanging around. Go figure. So, friend going to college is Reason for Weeping #1.

*Boy troubles: This one is an ever present problem so I debated even including this as a reason. It's practically a given. The boy that I've been fond of since September is growing closer...minimaly closer...but closer all the same. Not such a big deal to most others, but he is one of only three boys I've /ever/ envisioned myself willing to date. In the mean time, his best friend has become smitten with me... ARG! The one that I really would like to notice me has now a barrier placed in front of him. Being an honorable, loyal type, he would never risk hurting the feelings of his dear friend since elementary school. And in the end, I still look like the villan for turning down the affections of the boy I'm not interested in. (sigh) Reason for Weeping #2.

*Received an email:
My close friend that is attending school in Indiana sent me an email. She and I have a rocky past...especially from our high school days. Back then we argued bitterly...mostly about religion. It created quite a rift. We've since come to terms with our differences, but once in a while little things creep in to remind me of that bad time in our friendship. This email was sent to a lot of people, not just myself. In it, she quoted a Frenchman and his thoughts on religion. To say the least it was reminiscent of a time that is better off forgotten. Reason for Weeping #3.

*the movie: It was a sad movie...enough said. A sad, tragic ending that would strike any other with tears. Reason for Weeping #4.

*what I saw /in/ the movie: These last two seem too close to separate, but they are actually two entirely different issues. One the surface, the film was sad...BUT...what I saw in myself as a result of the film...well...it was not a pretty thing. Back in my high school days, I was very wrapped up in a particular church. The beliefs practiced there were strange at first and hard to accept, but accept them I did. At that time, I /needed/ to fit in there. It was the first place I had ventured outside of my stifling home environment. I have a good family...just strict and sheltering. Anyhow, this new link outside of my family was something that I wanted to succeed in, so I adopted all the church's beliefs without question. What I became that year or two was a very judgmental, mean, hateful person that I don't like to remember. She's not a part of me that I can deny, but one that I'm striving to improve upon. The movie that I watched had material in it that further confirmed what a terrible person I had been to others. (To explain exactly how it did this would take much too long...trust that it was a 'reality slap' of sorts for me) That seemed to be the major reason for my flood of tears. I just can't bear to see that part of myself. I have an amazingly convincing facade that I put on...the good Christian girl that doesn't curse, doesn't date, and is nice to everyone. HAH. This person that is hybernating in me is giving me unimaginable grief. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to contain it much longer. And if the real me finally does come out...it might be for the best. Most of the people around me would leave, I assume....I'm not being pathetic or dramatic...they really would. Maybe that's the price one must pay for truly showing what they are made of...hurt, madness, prejudice, and unforgiveness. huh. Reason for Weeping #5.

Well there they are. My top five reasons for weeping. If you've seen High Fidelity, that may prove to be a humurous statement. (that wasn't the movie in question, by the way. Revealing the actual movie would expose a bit too much I predict).

No one seems to be online tonight for a much needed chat, so I think I'll turn in early. I have to be up tomorrow to tie up some loose ends for school that begins on Monday...tuition, books, etc. I'm glad school time has rolled around. I use it to keep my mind of other troubling thoughts.

Sometimes it's easy to wonder what it's all for. The hassle of this in-between stage age. I'm enjoying my higher education...but am yearning for a commitment of marriage and family that I'm not ready to give. Past circumstance has...hmm...poisoned me from that luxury.

Enough complaining...Peter has suddenly appeared online. I'm off to be enlightened by his brillant mind. :)

A tenative start...

2001-01-09T13:42:47Z

It's too early to be up. Last night I watched a great movie and had a mind boggling conversation...two rare occurances that I treasure. Coincidently, both made me cry. I've had 4 hours of sleep and am extremely sleepy. I'm spending the day with my nephew so there is no chance for sleep until well after noon. <>
I had a young man hit on me last night. He's a nice boy. Very polite, intelligent, and with a good sense of humor. I'm just not the dating type. Anyhow, I had a very tough time deciding how to handle the situation. It was flattering, don't get me wrong. He just comes on too strong. He's done this before. Over the computer...at dinner. Too forward...that's an appropriate description. I don't talk about it to many people because they all think I'm a prude...even my close friends. It seems petty to complain about male attention. I just don't like it. hahaha. I sound like I prefer women. (not the case, I assure you). Just another chapter in my drama of a social life.
I suppose that will be all for my first entry.
<

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<said [...] sarcastic,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

It's too early to be up. Last night I watched a great movie and had a mind boggling conversation...two rare occurances that I treasure. Coincidently, both made me cry. I've had 4 hours of sleep and am extremely sleepy. I'm spending the day with my nephew so there is no chance for sleep until well after noon. <<sigh>>
I had a young man hit on me last night. He's a nice boy. Very polite, intelligent, and with a good sense of humor. I'm just not the dating type. Anyhow, I had a very tough time deciding how to handle the situation. It was flattering, don't get me wrong. He just comes on too strong. He's done this before. Over the computer...at dinner. Too forward...that's an appropriate description. I don't talk about it to many people because they all think I'm a prude...even my close friends. It seems petty to complain about male attention. I just don't like it. hahaha. I sound like I prefer women. (not the case, I assure you). Just another chapter in my drama of a social life.
I suppose that will be all for my first entry.
<<said with sarcastic, heavy, ghetto accent>>
"I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Peter who hooked me up with this dope site, yo."
hahaha (my feeble attempt at ghetto slang humor. If you knew how white and prim I was it would be even funnier).